dancing with demons

As I loaded up my car and said goodbye to my stepmother and father in Perth, Ontario I was taken off guard. My father embraced me warmly and as I stepped back he said, “I’ve always been proud of you.” It felt like a punch to my gut emotionally and I struggled with my tears, I wrestled to stay composed. Driving south towards Hwy. 401 which would return me to the United States I compartmentalized the experience; there is something too disquieting about sobbing alone on a Sunday morning drive away from my home and native land.

Later that night, over dinner with my girlfriend Sue in Arlington, MA, I related the experience and I was hit again by uncontrollable grief and sadness. I think what is coming to life for me through this journey is that as a child I fully believed that my right to exist on the planet was wholly dependent on making a positive contribution, be it to my tribe, my community, or the planet. In order to be welcome in the Kingdom I had to pull my weight and not put any demands on those around me. Now, I can hear your thoughts – “What a ridiculous notion! For God’s sake Martha, you’re a therapist, you know that’s a load of horseshit.” Conceptually, it’s true, I know that to be false. But my body’s emotional reaction to my father’s words attuned me to the fact that it’s still unfinished. Indeed, I believe many of the demons that visit me in the middle of the night carry the flavour of this early message.

These demons rise at 3am and rattle my bed (or Thermarest). They remind me that I have bills to pay and that I do not have a job (or a home). They tell me of my gifts and talents professionally and attempt to shame me for not making better use of my skills. Why aren’t I being of greater service to humanity!? What kind of person moves through the world so lost and unfocused, so unwilling to do a proper days work? With the exception of the year following my brother’s death, I have been working since the age of 12. I have loved working. It is immensely satisfying and provided me with a sense of self. I have grown not only my bank balance but my range of skills and sense of resiliency in the world. And now, this journey is threatening my sense of self and causing me to test out my fear that I may be dislodged from the Kingdom if I don’t pull my weight.

When the man who embodied this message for me as a child, not through his words but through his actions and choices, held me and told me he was proud of me I was metaphorically brought to my knees, the wind was knocked out of me. Something shifted internally and I will likely grapple with the fallout for some time to come. Nevertheless, I feel greater freedom today. I hold new license to express myself more from a place of internal integrity than from a fear of being exiled.

Tomorrow I catch a flight to Denver to ….uhmmm, well to spend a week working (and to visit friends). This also helps me quiet my demons, as well as pay for gas along the journey.