trading down and looking in

I have become somewhat self-conscious recently about whether or not others understand the choices I made to wind up working in a garden in exchange for room & board at a Buddhist-based retreat center.

Two years ago I was operating under a belief that happiness and security would be the proper fruits of my efforts to be a success in the world. I married my partner, I moved up the ladder at work, I purchased an expensive SUV, and I fostered visions of creating a beautiful home. I spent upwards of 60 hours a week doing the work that I loved and I wanted more than anything to be masterful as a therapist.

I was building a house of sand and fog for myself thinking that one day I could hide there and slip into comfort and complacency. Within a very short time, my fantasy unravelled. Unlike many people who experience a severe loss or crisis of health which then leads to a desire to wake up

I felt no trauma in my outer life. Instead I felt a dull ache inside and a general discomfort as though I was far from living an authentic life. I was hiding in a coccoon and my system wouldn't stand for it.

I realized that most of my life was not being guided by connectedness and flow but from a desperate fear of emptiness, chaos, and isolation. I was making choices that were not necessarily congruent with my spirit but driven by my need to have something to hold onto.

Today I have cored down much of the noise of my life and relinquished some of the things that I once believed were most valuable. I intend to consciously invite back aspects of conventional Western life but not from desperation nor the need to fill up the void. I am also making more space for true peace which arrises within me not by hiding but from seeing and acknowledging those parts of myself which are not shiny.

I am not a master gardener in the making. Much too much stooping over and I simply do not have a mind for the chemistry of mixing nitrogen and phosphorous in the soil. I don't want to return to the practice of therapy as a way to run from emptiness or meaninglessness. I don't even want to turn to my work as a counselor out of a need for money - I'd rather answer phones or make cappucinos. At least now I realize that I can live off of much less than I made in my prior incarnation.

The photos come mostly from the garden. The rock is situated near the entrance to the garden and reminds me to keep it simple and move towards balance, always with my face to the weather of life. I was drawn to a spider web that was being built in the corner of our tool table and some rakes and shovels that were hanging off to the right. I appreciate the blue light that is caught in the web.

Finally, I connected with a woman this past Sunday who participated in a program here at Karme Choling a week ago or so. She was kind enough to invite me out to visit her home in nearby Sugarhill, NH and to show me around the pastoral fields nearby (see photo). I relished being around an inquisitive spirit, a woman who ponders the great questions of being human while sharing the company of dogs.

return to the sea

I left Karme Choling yesterday afternoon to take a quick trip down to the Boston area and .... well, see a couple of friends, leave the encampment, do some laundry, pick up a couple of items, soak in a tub. Boston is a short shot down I-93 south and it goes by fairly effortlessly for a long-hauling professional such as myself. Poor June though (my VW), her check engine light came on only 2 miles or so into the trip and was still on when I pulled into the parking lot tonight. Who knows what's ailing her now but it's a reminder to get myself that AAA + membership I've been preaching to others to get.

So, I wound up by the sea today while visiting a friend near Newbury, MA. We walked along the sandy shore which was deserted except for a handful of fisherman and an older couple walking their tiny black poodle. As such, there was little else I could do but quickly change into my swimsuit and plunge into the waves. The dropoff from the beach was steep so within a few metres of the shore I was well over my head. Emotions rose up in me, both deep gratitude and a strange unsettled swell inside my system. I don't know how to describe it -- it felt almost like a desire to break free -- of what I am not sure but I fought an inner temptation to just keep swimming out to sea and let go.

I could hear a Siren Song from within to push out and move beyond this world. The inspiration came not from overwhelm or despondency but simply from a wish to walk up to the edge and encircle myself with something so large that the only act left for me would be to surrender.

I was grateful for my time with and by the ocean, deeply grateful -- and still something got dislodged, perhaps some more of my willingness to live an ordinary life gave way and went out with the tide. The disquiet stayed with me through my drive north to Barnet, VT and returned after a short dinner visit with my father and his wife on their way from Eastern Canada to Ontario. After saying goodbye at the restaurant tonight I drove south down I-91 and watched the crescent moon rising above the rolling mountains. The sky was milking from blue to charcoal. Once again I heard the siren's call, all this way inland, and felt displaced from a familiar way of being and walking in the world.

garden goodness and the not-so-Buddhist Buddha

Hitting my one week anniversary at Karme Choling. I love my time in the garden, learning how to work with plants, soil, water, micro-organisms, sun, temperature, and compost. I have a great group of co-workers including a very incredible supervisor, Jan, who is an excellent and passionate teacher about mindfulness and gardening.

Speaking of mindfulness, I am enjoying my cushion time -- got over my "hump" of resistance after a day of silence and sitting. I haven't yet found a comfort zone with some of the Buddhist rituals and traditions/teachings but am trying to remain open enough to allow it all to wash over me and let some things stick and other things go.

I didn't make it through a day in the women's staff dorm where I was initially assigned a top bunk -- me and the bunk did not mesh so I've been sleeping in a tent with my winter bag. This allows for a cold but restful night with me and the spiders vying for heat from the feathers which are rated to -20 degrees. All of this is preferable to low grade anxiety over 5 feet up in the air with another woman tossing and turning in the bunk below. I will stay in the tent until the weather forces me inside.

All in all, it's a good life. I apologize for not writing more about my experience. I think some of it is still percolating inside. Indeed, there is a significant amount of stuff shifting inside but it's tough to capture through words. Essentially, I know that I'm where I need to be for right now and I don't know for how long I will be here. It's not all comfortable but that too is a good thing and an opportunity for some of the rough places in me to smoothed.

summoning courage as I go

In the spirit of continuing to practice giving and receiving and with an eye to my upcoming 39th birthday (October 2nd), I have decided that I will purchase myself a new camera. You see, I have always been a bit shy and self-conscious about asking people to take their photo. And yet, I so much enjoy exploring how beautiful faces can be, captured from different vantage points. I revel in the stories that people tell me of their lives and I am similarly grateful when I can complement a snapshot of a life with a snapshot of a face. Smiles, wrinkles, the depth of eyes, the twist of a mouth -- tension, softness, fear, faith, each of these revealed differently to the eye of the beholder. I enjoy my little point and shoot digital but I am going to buy something with more lens options and a quicker shutter speed as the 1.5 second pause is tricky.

A dribble here as my second full day at Karme Choling comes to a close. It's an adventure on many levels. I'm grateful and taking it one moment at a time and learning a lot about myself, Buddhism, and the garden. I will write more when I take some time to sit down and gather my thoughts and hopefully include some images. Tomorrow is a day of silence (yippie) and 6 hours of sitting (yikes).

As an aside, if you are so inclined, you can mail me at Karme Choling through the following address:
Martha McClure
369 Patneaude Lane
Barnet, VT 05821

love, martha

the cabbie and me see God

Circling and touching down into Logan Airport was spectacular today and took me to a new experience in myself: gravity, the profane, the weight of being human, “the quality of mercy is not strained” – these phrases and words circled my mind like United flight #0386 from Denver circled Boston.

Today I felt the mercy of a universal force that is unrelenting in Its acceptance of all of my parts, all of my decisions, all of my mistakes. I think to myself that the least, the very least I can do is offer others the same sweetness, the same kindness, the same consideration and reverence.

I retrieved my baggage and found my taxi. Over the next ½ hour we ooh’ed and awe’ed our way through the backstreets of Boston and the spectacular sunset that took our breath away in the west. We stopped when and where we wanted and took photos as we went, he on his cellphone and me on my tiny digital camera. At one point, this salty 40-something year-old 3rd generation Bostonian called up a buddy and asked him if he was looking at the sky. I got the sense that his buddy “Paulie” thought he might be warped on psychedelics because he just couldn’t feel the love that “Mac” and I were falling into through the crowded streets and bridges of Bean Town.

Nope, he’s not my life soulmate; he and I simply got to relish a moment of being human, being open, and finding in our respective selves the innate capacity to be moved.

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.
But mercy is above this sceptered sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute of God himself;
And earthly power doth then show like God's
When mercy seasons justice.
-Portia from William Shakespeare's “The Merchant of Venice”

thank you colourful Colorado

I couldn't resist a final image of beautiful Colorado -- the view from Niwot post rain and thunderstorm (getting caught out on a dog walk was wonderful). My love to the people here who make this place feel like home.

from West to East, "literally"

Today I am enjoying my last day in Colorado for a while. Tomorrow I will fly back to Boston where my trusty VW waits. I received confirmation today for the next leg of my journey. I will go from Boston to Barnet, VT on Tuesday and join the community of people at Karme Choling (http://www.karmecholing.org/) for a short-term stint as a gardener. Please, hold your laughter and raised eyebrows -- I can garden. It's vegetables not rocket science.

The offer came out of the blue and I'm very pleased. I have wanted more garden time and experience for years but relegated my curiosity behind my passion for becoming a good therapist. As well, I am looking for more structure and support for my mindfulness and sitting practice. I imagine that living in a small community of people (eating, working, sitting, sleeping) for a length of time will bring me up against some exciting (read "yucky") places in myself -- I'm a person who is attached to solitude as part of my dialing for balance and happiness. Indeed, I will meet new facets of me when I see myself in the faces of those from whom I cannot escape.

I said this in my last entry -- how much I enjoy the minutes and hours of being a therapist practitioner. It is such an honour to bear witness to the human process of unfolding. I lightened up this week on my use of knowledge and techniques and focused more of my attention on staying unconditionally present for and loving towards a human in process. Indeed, I was amazed and humbled in seeing that the most fundamental aspect of healing is presence -- I moved into more trust that if I did not interfere too much, my client's own system would go where necessary at a rhythm inherently wise.

This is my intention as I move into this Buddhist community for the next 2 to 3 months: to learn from the plants how to show up and be most supportive and least interfering. Like humans, plants have everything they need programmed into their seed structure for growth and wholeness. My journey/work as a gardener, as a therapist, as a human being is to approach with reverence and faith and to listen for the invitations that come for me to become a part of the process of unfolding. Inevitably, I will be altered through the relationship.

A note about the images: the sunset was from Carbondale, Colorado where I spent some time working this week. Yesterday Kirsten, the dogs, and I went up to Nederland, CO for a hike. We moved through the incredible changing colours and smells of autumn approaching and got saturated by a rain which turned to huge snow flakes.

Once again I think, less story – more life.

Meanwhile... back in Colorado

Life is good in Colorado. I could do without my allergies (ticklish and scratchy throat, congestion, sneezing, drippy nose, itchy eyes). Once again, Benadryl, Claritin, and I have become close. I love seeing the dogs and being able to connect with friends in this part of the country. I have spent much of this week working as a therapist and I enjoy my work, stepping back into a comfortable groove and being available to others as both an active and a listening presence.

I’m realizing that there is a gravitational pull towards being the ‘Martha’ with whom I am familiar as I return to a recognizable geography. Conversely, being in New England and Ontario gave me more space to lighten my sense of self. At the same time, ‘the Martha I know’ has relinquished her/my home, security, sense of future, and marriage. These constructs once formed the foundation of my sense of self and place in the world. Without them, I feel at times free and liberated and at other times scared and overwhelmed. Loosening my sense of self I allow the intelligence of Life to step in or, perhaps it’s more that I let go of my illusion that it’s me who figures out the map of my world.

I have enjoyed watching and being a part of the making of German reality TV more this year. Last year I was attached to the process and protective of whether or not things were done to my liking and approval. Bottom line: the production team is good; good souls trying to do good work. For those in the dark, Monarch is moving through its 2nd season as the hosting agency for a group of ‘troubled’ adolescents from Germany who will spend two months living in the wilds of the American West as a therapeutic intervention. Tresor is the German company who is producing this documentary/reality show and they are contracted to RTL for this 4th season. It’s wacky doing Gestalt therapy without much access to language while cameras and sound people circle and look for ways to build the story for an audience (early Spring 2010) who will get sucked into the stories. Life is wacky.

Getting sucked into a story can be dangersous and slippery, albeit it distracting and entertaining. Indeed, sometimes I think it's better to limit this seduction of storyline to TV and movies and be mindful that the more plot I endeavour towards in my life the less life I feel running through my body.