trading down and looking in

I have become somewhat self-conscious recently about whether or not others understand the choices I made to wind up working in a garden in exchange for room & board at a Buddhist-based retreat center.

Two years ago I was operating under a belief that happiness and security would be the proper fruits of my efforts to be a success in the world. I married my partner, I moved up the ladder at work, I purchased an expensive SUV, and I fostered visions of creating a beautiful home. I spent upwards of 60 hours a week doing the work that I loved and I wanted more than anything to be masterful as a therapist.

I was building a house of sand and fog for myself thinking that one day I could hide there and slip into comfort and complacency. Within a very short time, my fantasy unravelled. Unlike many people who experience a severe loss or crisis of health which then leads to a desire to wake up

I felt no trauma in my outer life. Instead I felt a dull ache inside and a general discomfort as though I was far from living an authentic life. I was hiding in a coccoon and my system wouldn't stand for it.

I realized that most of my life was not being guided by connectedness and flow but from a desperate fear of emptiness, chaos, and isolation. I was making choices that were not necessarily congruent with my spirit but driven by my need to have something to hold onto.

Today I have cored down much of the noise of my life and relinquished some of the things that I once believed were most valuable. I intend to consciously invite back aspects of conventional Western life but not from desperation nor the need to fill up the void. I am also making more space for true peace which arrises within me not by hiding but from seeing and acknowledging those parts of myself which are not shiny.

I am not a master gardener in the making. Much too much stooping over and I simply do not have a mind for the chemistry of mixing nitrogen and phosphorous in the soil. I don't want to return to the practice of therapy as a way to run from emptiness or meaninglessness. I don't even want to turn to my work as a counselor out of a need for money - I'd rather answer phones or make cappucinos. At least now I realize that I can live off of much less than I made in my prior incarnation.

The photos come mostly from the garden. The rock is situated near the entrance to the garden and reminds me to keep it simple and move towards balance, always with my face to the weather of life. I was drawn to a spider web that was being built in the corner of our tool table and some rakes and shovels that were hanging off to the right. I appreciate the blue light that is caught in the web.

Finally, I connected with a woman this past Sunday who participated in a program here at Karme Choling a week ago or so. She was kind enough to invite me out to visit her home in nearby Sugarhill, NH and to show me around the pastoral fields nearby (see photo). I relished being around an inquisitive spirit, a woman who ponders the great questions of being human while sharing the company of dogs.