alone

The truth of aloneness struck me deeply this past week. I was in the shower one evening, I'm not sure from where this recognition came. Don't misunderstand me, it's not the first time I've come to realize that each of us ultimately lives and dies alone. But under the steady flow of water this past week, I felt my aloneness. Not nearly as morose as it might sound, I felt as though a light went on, as though I finally experienced the life-altering effects of this existential truth. A surprising aspect of my getting it on a cellular level is that I initially felt no sadness, no happiness, no fear - just "oh." Understanding.

A little embarrassing to admit how much energy I've put into either altering this reality by surrounding myself with people (including searching for mates) or numbing myself to this recognition through suppressing any need for connection. Both these choices do a tipsy-turvy trip on a see-saw, missing the poignant balancing point somewhere in the movement of the middle. Alone just is. Not nihilistic. Not to be fixed. Not even to be rectified by a search for meaning or God. Alone just is. And there's a complex experience in alone that cannot be captured readily with words, more the playground of poetry. Alone fosters freedom and devastation. Alone hosts cruelty and humour. Ultimately alone simply wants to be acknowledged and invited for a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

Realizing I can anthropomorphize anything, including the shadow cast on my duvet in the afternoon light, it is not my intention to personify alone as the stinky and socially awkward kid who used to stare at you in school. Nor is it my wish to proselytize about the importance of summoning courage and facing one's essential aloneness. For me, the rapture as well as the profound pain I've experienced in finally relinquishing my fear of alone has ultimately brought me to a new place. For some reason, Dante's Divine Comedy springs to mind. In particular the famous line of the poem: "All hope abandon ye who enter here." What is there to lose?

typing towards insanity

Yesterday I set my first tangible foot onto the path of formalizing my writing. I needed to break the surface tension between me and the change of profession/lifestyle that awaits me. Plus, it was May 1st and I woke up feeling pregnant -- take a breath, not literally pregnant but metaphorically so. I felt full and the world around me felt bursting with possibility.

It was strange to shift from my paper journal, pen in hand, to my computer screen. All of a sudden, someone invited my inner critic to the party! What a voice! And with no bounds - it was open season on my syntax, limited vocabulary, sentence structure, questionable spelling, paragraph styling, content, format. Even my posture and typing accuracy took some blows. How fun! So, I told my critic to get comfortable because there's plenty of places to sit and no end in sight as far as my writing process and her opportunities to offer constructive feedback. I figure it's better to consciously make room for her, pushing her back down just gives her more credit than she deserves.

Today I was sitting in a rocking chair on my deck and talking on the phone with my friend, Joan, from Colorado. As we discussed our respective short-term futures I felt a shiver inside my system. Writing full-time will be a lonely experience and I think I'm blissfully naive as to where this trip will take me. Which is good. I'm not sure I'd have it any other way. As we spoke, a Coopers Hawk flew 12 feet in front of me, slowly, just a couple feet off the ground. I doubted the authenticity of my vision. To satisfy my curiosity and attend to the weight I felt in the moment, I looked up 'hawk symbolism' on the internet:

"The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

As you rise to a higher level, your psychic energies are awakening and the hawk can help you to keep those senses in balance. Its message for you is to be open to hope and new ideas, to extend the vision of your life." (from 'Divine Sparks' blog)

Likely you host your own perspective on there being messengers for humans in the form of animal totems. Personally, I've had some powerful experiences, particularly with birds, when I've been about to go through radical experiences in my life (enough to tattoo an eagle on my shoulder). So, I'll just humbly say 'thank you' to the hawk and hold the awe-evoking belief that there is more happening in this chapter of my life than simply falling off the "conventional wagon" on a whimsical ride of irresponsibility and screwing up.

I thought I would include a few photos of my new home space -- the place which will host my journey from paper and pen to fingertips on keyboard over the next five months or so.

In close, I offer an invitation which I heard quoted in an NPR interview earlier this week: "Do something every day that scares you." This is radical living.