gathering no moss,... yet

This is a tougher entry to write for me. My last trip to Colorado caught me a little off guard. Under my armor slipped a recognition that I struggle with commitment, am a bit reluctant with intimacy, and have gypsied my way through life. I don't acknowledge this with self-condemnation as much as sadness. As I prepared to pack my bags last Monday morning in anticipation of my red-eye flight that night to Boston (after a wonderful and full week in Colorado) I heard a voice within me register on my radar: "I am so DONE with leaving. I am sick of saying 'goodbye'." I am encircled by a wonderful community in Colorado, I have a growing circle in New England, and I am very attached to my family in Ontario. On top of that, there are dear friends sprinkled around the planet whom I consider 'keepers'.

I have lived in the following locales. If there is a number bracketed after the location, it means I lived in a number of places within that community: Woodstock, NB; Holland (2); Woodstock, NB; Presqu'ile, ME; Chester, NS; Mahone Bay, NS; Terra Cotta, ON; Waterloo, ON; Terra Cotta, ON; Peterborough, ON (4); Lytton, BC; Nelson, BC; Lytton, BC; Nelson, BC; Lytton, BC; Victoria, BC; Canmore, AB; Ontario; Fernie, BC (3); Boulder, CO (5), Barnet, VT. That's around 30 moves in 39 years. Less than I thought but still a lot.

For a number of reasons, it's easier for me to go than it is for me to stay. I once had some pride about this fact. Now I'm unsettled. I travel light. I fall in love readily with many beings but I let go easily, not so much out of rejection but from a desire to move forward. I struggle with suffocation. I long for deep connection and yet react with anxiety to too much closeness. What a pickle. Now I am living in a part of the planet that really resonates with my system; in New England I feel at home. I love the pastures, the forests, the mountains, the weather, and the pace of life here. I want to settle down. I wish to grow lighter wings and deeper roots. I want this land to be my home and I want to weave myself into the community here, personally and professionally.

Perhaps awareness is key as many Gestalt theorists and practitioners have declared. Being more aware of my proclivities allows me to notice when discomfort arises with regard to feeling stuck and wanting out. I don't regret any of the experiences I've had nor would I give up any of the people and homes I've known. But now I'd like to explore the depth rather than the breadth available through this human experience.

As it turns out, the next chapter of my journey unfolds this week coming. I will move into a job as a Clinical Co-ordinator/Supervisor at a transition home for adolescents based out of Jefferson, NH (http://www.nafi.com/ and then click on NFI North at the bottom). I'm excited and nervous. I am still searching for a residence and sleeping in my tent. Fear not, I don't plan on living in my tent this winter -- something will come along. It always has... 30 homes don't lie.