Last night I dreamed -- blessed illusion --
that I had a beehive here
in my heart
and that
the golden bees were making
white combs and sweet honey
from my old failures.
- Antonio Machado
(translated by Robert Bly)
My apologies for the lapse in writing. If it's any consolation, even when my writing is not so public, there are private pages in journals which I pour over each morning. For the past couple of weeks I've been acclimating to my new surroundings and my new employment - at times I've felt too at odds with myself to package something for my community of friends and family to view.
In my last entry I wrote about the ache that all this moving and butterflying about was creating in my chest and how I was heartbroken by all the 'goodbyes' that come with change. Change is exciting for my system; I feel alive with the sense of possibility and adventure. At the same time, change is taxing and it brings me up against some of my demons regarding doubt and regret; what-could-have-beens, the roads not taken sometimes haunt me. As I settled into my first few days at work I was overwhelmed with information, new systems, names of people (co-workers and clients), rules, norms, requirements, etc... As I settled into my new home, following 3 months of homelessness, I was holding expectations that my new space would be blissful.
And it is. But it wasn't the first couple of nights as I got to know the quirks of a new space.
My home is a beautiful sublet. It is the home of a couple who have travelled to Florida for the winter and it is filled with their lovely furniture and personal wares. It is heated primarily by a grand woodstove which pumps out the warmth (backed up by a Rinnai propane heater that kicks in automatically). There is a gas cooking range, a refrigerator (recall 'the fridge
magnet' - it worked), internet, TV (aka "martha's 2-in-1 energy zapper and depression machine"), and a sleeping loft with a soft bed, feather pillows, new flannel sheets, and a duvet. While there is no shower there is an impressively large tub. And herein lies the beginning of my adventure. For some reason ???? the water supply is not sufficient to fill the bathtub,.... In fact, the hot water runs out in under a minute. Apparently it's on a constant feed heated by a furnace below but it must be a slow heat or low capacity unit. So, last Tuesday night, following a white-knuckle commute from Jefferson to Franconia, I ached for a soak. I realized quickly that this was impossible by pulling on the hot water tank. Forty-five minutes and 8 stock pots of boiling water from the gas range later, I was blissfully soaking in the best and most satisfying bath I've ever built. What a ballet of boiling water and hoping that by the time the next 3 pots were boiled, the water already in the vast tub was not returning to its tepid origins too quickly. I drank 2/3 of a bottle of red wine as I danced back and forth from the cooking range to the bathtub. Afterwards I realized that I should probably drink herbal tea during this process if it's to become a regular affair. Of course, I need all the boiled water I can get for the tub so maybe I'll stick with wine, might have been why I enjoyed my soak so much.
magnet' - it worked), internet, TV (aka "martha's 2-in-1 energy zapper and depression machine"), and a sleeping loft with a soft bed, feather pillows, new flannel sheets, and a duvet. While there is no shower there is an impressively large tub. And herein lies the beginning of my adventure. For some reason ???? the water supply is not sufficient to fill the bathtub,.... In fact, the hot water runs out in under a minute. Apparently it's on a constant feed heated by a furnace below but it must be a slow heat or low capacity unit. So, last Tuesday night, following a white-knuckle commute from Jefferson to Franconia, I ached for a soak. I realized quickly that this was impossible by pulling on the hot water tank. Forty-five minutes and 8 stock pots of boiling water from the gas range later, I was blissfully soaking in the best and most satisfying bath I've ever built. What a ballet of boiling water and hoping that by the time the next 3 pots were boiled, the water already in the vast tub was not returning to its tepid origins too quickly. I drank 2/3 of a bottle of red wine as I danced back and forth from the cooking range to the bathtub. Afterwards I realized that I should probably drink herbal tea during this process if it's to become a regular affair. Of course, I need all the boiled water I can get for the tub so maybe I'll stick with wine, might have been why I enjoyed my soak so much.My sublet feels like a home as I sit here on my first Sunday night. I have begun cooking again for the first time in a long time. I am deeply grateful simply to have a roof, warmth,
music, soft places to sit and read, and a private place to both fall apart and come back together. As the snow falls endlessly in this small New England town, I am aware of what a luxury it is to have a safe and warm space.
music, soft places to sit and read, and a private place to both fall apart and come back together. As the snow falls endlessly in this small New England town, I am aware of what a luxury it is to have a safe and warm space.I attached the poem above because I am not alone with my demons and my thoughts of failure. Sometimes, discomfort and disorientation feel simply like darkness and despair. At other times, I feel the ground rise up with an offering for adventure and growth from the same elements of confusion and doubt. Failure to see the light, failure to follow my integrity, failure to choose the good path need not be an end in and of itself. Sometimes it's simply a jumping-off point to a new possibility.
Sometimes one just needs to supplement the hotwater system with a few pots of boiling water and a few glasses of wine, even as your kitchen begins to look like the inner workings of an Italian restaurant.
The image of the rainbow was taken near Jefferson while I was driving to my first day of work. I took it as an auspicious sign of being in the right place at the right time with everything I needed for the ride.
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