natural born killer

I celebrated my friend's birthday while visiting Colorado over the past week by participating in "Lazer Tag" (and other assorted amusements). Indeed, something takes over me when I get a gun-like contraption in my hands; all of a sudden I develop a thirst for blood! In both games I revelled in being the high-scorer (similar to my ridiculous ego-boost for making good driving time between point A and point B) as proof of..... what exactly? Running through the darkened course, hiding behind barriers, the adrenaline pumped through my body, my mind unable or unwilling to discern the difference between pretend and real-life -- see previous post, what is reality anyway?

A few times over the last month or so I have considered setting myself up with a heavy bag or a membership at a boxing gym. Even as I sit and meditate 2 hours a day and similarly spend inordinate hours peacefully walking through the woods and enjoying the silence, something in my system yearns for an aggressive outlet. Is this neurotic? natural? healthy? Am I feeding a monster or soothing a beast? It's more than just being physical, although when I was digging up garden beds I noticed my aggressive tendencies were at least otherwise exhausted. My energy likes to come up against the boundaries of another and spar there -- I liken this feeling to spreading my wings and feeling my full span of energy and movement. There's nothing personal in this activity. It's not a statement or reflection about how I feel about my adversary. In fact, it feels to me more like extending an invitation to another to 'dance', to push against, to meet self through the flushing out of strength, energy, and movement.

Perhaps this is in some ways connected to the origins of the tango or waltz; self and other, the exploration of passion and boundaries through movement and meeting. As a warring species, we might do well to explore this drive further, open our individual and collective minds to how this shadow element of aggression can be more relationally and contactfully embodied for true resolution.