pacing the cage

My sister, Jane. I got to see my sister, Jane, this weekend and while the circumstances were a bit tiring (illness, exhaustion, long periods of driving, not much sleep), the experience was uplifting. Jane related to me how she is feeling unsettled in her professional life, how being a teacher in the public school system feels out of sync with her soul, how she is working through a process of discovery - discovering what moves her, what alights her soul and enlivens her heart.

I've been tracking these wonderful women in my life - noticing how many women I love are finding themselves in the process of change. It begins with angst of some kind - an awareness develops that things don't feel good, something is off, not quite right. Maybe all the details of life appear to be okay but something is off. For some it could feel like something is missing. For others it could feel like they're not plugged into something bigger. For still others there could be pain, or even misery.

I was working with a couple in therapy last week. They were lamenting about their teenaged son who isn't demonstrating much motivation in his life, little energy is put forth into accomplishment or achievement. Both of these people worked their way "up in the world from dirt" - to quote. Now here is their only child seemingly oblivious to all their role modeling, encouragements, threats, bribes, and lecturing - to do something with his life. I asked them, cautiously, if they related at all to the notion of evolution or whether they believed the world was created in 6 days (it's hard for my own beliefs not to creep into the work somedays). They replied that they believed in evolution. I then asked them what they think caused those first few fish to crawl up on dry land, leave behind their home in the sea. They thought about it. They looked at each other. They looked at me. Then the husband said rather cautiously: "Something wasn't right in the water?"

There's another story which I learned as part of my contemplative education in mindfulness. In this parable, a lion is kept in a cage, pacing and roaring. For a very long time, she is fed as needed but she is not permitted to leave the cage. She is kept as part of a circus for people to see. One day the lion is rescued. The rescuers release the lion from her cage, expecting to see this mighty creature move freely, to run away, even to attack. Instead, the lion continues to pace the area around her, the area that once was maintained by bars but now is open space. And she continues to pace the cage that exists only in her mind and in her body's memory.

I often think about the inspiration to change, to unfold, to grow. I've thrown around the word "ripe" reflecting my attraction to the notion that change comes from a place of inner readyness - a readyness that might not be observable to outside eyes and which may be gestating below the surface. I kicked off this blogging process nearly 2 years ago at a time when my inner sensations and my external life circumstances were coalescing in what felt to be intolerable discomfort. I knew something was needing to change. I could see that what I thought were secure structures of my happiness (work, finances, relationships) were disolving before my eyes. Looking back, I guess I could have toughed it out. I could have tried to hook into the system around me in a new way - built a private practice as a psychotherapist in Boulder, looked for a new relationship, leaned into a community of friends there for whom I still care deeply. However, when I felt inside my body, there was no traction for the idea of reconfiguing "the show" in this way. Instead, I felt a combination of fear and excitement swimming around within a pool of stillness. I knew, inside, that the way forward was not a reconfiguring of the current storyline but a willingness to put one foot in front of the other in a direction that felt both enlivening and threatening.

Not a quick process, a long unfolding. Boarding the plane to Portugal this past January to begin a 3-month training in integrative bodywork was but one more branch of my expansion. Back in 2009, I never could have imagined myself taking this step. And from where I stand now, there's no way I can anticipate what is coming down the road. But feeling into the sense of 'something's missing' or 'something's not quite right' - listening to our insides, paying attention to the external flow - these are essential beats in the rhythm of unfolding. Sometimes life is tragically abrupt in the way change comes down the pike. Sometimes there's gentle movements, nudgings from within and without. Sometimes the bars that keep me feeling stuck cease to exist, except in my mind. And it's time. And it's scary. And it's still time.

My love, admiration, and affection to a bunch of folks with whom I walk in various ways and who inspire me: Sue, Winger, Anemone, Jane (x2), momma, the women at the shelter, Corry, Alexandra, Jenny, Jenny's grandmom, Laressa and Mr. B. And to Gazelle, Jane's horse, 365 days of pregnancy is more than enough!