... and the bowl ran away with the spoon

This week I left a bowl and a spoon, both still dirty, in the sink. And then I took a breath, exhaled, and walked away. This might sound like a moment of mediocrity but, for me, it was a mighty and monumental step towards emancipation.

I grew up with some very clear and somewhat uncompromising preferences around tidyness and the management of personal space. I grew up with a sense of timeliness,

being responsible, holding myself in the world with a reverence for right and wrong. My parents instilled in me how important it was to be considerate of others, their needs, their expectations and also to try to offer something positive to the world. I wouldn't change a thing about the way I grew up. And I'm not going to stop growing.

Living with 4 other people I'm learning that the line between right and wrong is an illusion. I'm learning that there are preferences, habits, attitudes, and values. I'm learning that there are outcomes and consequences for every choice but that there is no governing body of righteous action and that the most powerful policing force lives within me.

The most powerful peace-making force also lives within me.

Watching dishes accrue each day. Watching debris build up on the kitchen floor. Watching mold grow on the ceiling and walls. Watching dirty and clean (but damp) laundry collect on the furniture. Coming home from class at 8pm to find that the sliders onto the patio have been left ajar all day. Emerging from my room at 6am to see that the main door to the house has been left open all night. Noticing that the shower no longer drains because of sand building up in the pipes. This is my classroom. This is my current training ground into becoming more fully human. Mom and Dad prepared the soil but no amount of cement, staking, fencing, or externally imposed laws will hold back the upheaval from below. My housemates will not be tamed or trained. They insist in being themselves! I can kill myself (or them?) or I can pay attention to the gifts of this grand gesture from the Universe.

What is REALLY wrong with dirty dishes and disarray? What is REALLY wrong with having a stranger enter our house and take our personal belongings? What is REALLY wrong with the plumbing overflowing? Nothing.

I tried for awhile to stay on top of the mess in my own way - 5am would find me not-so-quietly doing dishes and wiping counters while water boiled for my tea (this, of course, brought me up against my upbringing in a very binding way - how could I be quiet and considerate of another's wish to sleep while simultaneously bringing 'order' to the land?). Then I noticed that my attempt to model 'right' behavior was falling on blind eyes. No one even recognized my service to the greater good. They just kept making dishes and leaving mess in their wake.

The choice... hold tightly onto my own values of right and wrong and suffer. Or let go of this 'battle' so that I might be happy.

I tell a tale of being a teenager and moving into a new home. I remember clearly that my parents gave me a choice in how I wanted my room to be painted: "What colour of white do you want?" At the time, it seemed like a very practical way to decorate. Now when I move into a new home I see it as an opportunity to reveal the depths of my

complexity - my passion for colour, my attraction to both subtlety and intensity.

I'm not sure whom or what I would meet if I migrated a little away from "should" and ventured into possibility - no right, no wrong. It could be chaos. It might be crippling to my life management and success (though, at this point, maybe not so noticeable!)

It might be an adventure. And every adventure begins with one step. My step was a dirty bowl and a dirty spoon.